So it's a late hour, can't sleep. And I find the need to get things off my chest. You know when the heart gets heavy, you can't help but be reflective to a fault. And thoughts and emotions fill your heart and mind you need to get it out. Well, that's where I am this morning. And at this hour, I can't bear to wake another. So this post is more for me then you. So pass it by if you choose, but if you read on, be warned it maybe hard and heavy...
So there have been a great many people in my life, people to whom I care a great deal for, they’ve been getting engaged and married. I guess that’s the same thing… but you get the idea. And even though I am so happy for each and every one of them, for myself, I cannot help but become a little melancholy, a little sad and reflective on how for a few times in my life there had been the “possibility” for that wholeness. And for whatever reason those chances slipped away.
I can think of 3 people when I think of this. The first was someone I had met years ago when I was a register jockey at the Suncoast Motion Picture Company. We were pushing pre-orders on Akira at the time, and these 2 girls come up to buy some anime. So, whatever, I start into my charming little sales pitch for Akira. We laughed, and they politely declined and left.
But moments later her friend returns and confesses her friend thought I was cute, and asked for my number.
We hung out, spent time together. And it was fun, here was a person that, for some reason, found me interesting (and at the time, seemed like an unusual occurrence with the ladies), and we had like interests (and by interests I mean all the geek things others would probably scoff at).
Why didn’t go any further? Well, the answer to that is a very Seinfeldian moment that I won’t confess here.
Now she’s in Japan, I think she’s found someone in her life, and I couldn’t be happier for her. Definitely someone who deserves that kind of happiness.
The second? Was a girl I had known for some 8 odd years. And our friendship had grown to a borderline intimate level. So much so it became a point where these 2 friends would share a bed. Not to be physical mind you, but simply so the other wouldn’t be alone at night because neither liked the prospect of that. But yea, 2 friends, 1 bed… a little unhealthy, right?
But I knew more and more, that well, I wanted more. And she knew it too I think. She and I clicked so well, it seemed like such a good fit, this person to whom I was closest with in my life. But I had become “that” guy friend. You know the one where comedians joke that is the perfect match, but the girls don’t pay that person any mind.
And when she would tell me about guys she would want to pursue merely for the sake of having sex… more and more it became too much to bear. And there were other things too... but saying goodbye to that relationship was by far one of the hardest decisions of my life.
She’s married now, and I honestly and truly wish her all the happiness in the world.
And the last? Well, the last was my most recent. My life suffered the loss of one friend because I enjoyed her so much. And after 3 years of friendship, we began to explore something more. And for a time, it was amazing. And towards the end, we had some problems, but I was sure she was it, and I would propose.
But it ended. I have thoughts as to why, ideas about faithfulness and truth, ideas about my fault and hers in the relationship. But one thing I know for sure, as it ended, promises were made about loving each other in the hard times to come, and to stay friends. And we both made efforts to that end, but things drifted. More and more I became the only one calling… and the last time I spoke with her on the phone all she asked me was to troubleshoot her computer, she asked how I was after… but it really felt like it was asked out of obligation, and not a genuine curiosity.
I cannot even begin to describe the pain of that. Almost worse then going to work the day after things ended. Only a few people saw the impact that had on me… one of the worst days of my life I would suspect.
Even though the people closest to me confessed they either didn’t like her, or who I was with her… regardless, I miss her greatly. I miss the friend I had in her.
But she’s with someone new. I won’t give my thoughts on the who… but I sincerely hope she’s found the person she’s been looking for, and regret I couldn’t be that person she needed.
So I sit here, being both happy for those starting a new life, and, well being somewhat sad about what has passed. And I can’t help but wonder if I tried a little harder, gave a little more… would the life I have now be different somehow, perhaps more complete. Moments like this is why I try desperately not to think about the “what if”.
But here I sit, almost a quarter to 7, and no I haven’t slept… but here I sit, thinking I should probably go to bed. Go to bed and think deeply on how tomorrow is a new day, and how every passing moment is a new chance to turn it all around.
So good night internet, or good morning. And I'll see you all soon.
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