Sunday, September 30, 2007

Hours...

So I wake up at 2:30 this afternoon... I hate it when that shit happens.

Seriously.

Well, off to try and salvage the day. Yea!

So can I get personal for a moment...

So it's a late hour, can't sleep. And I find the need to get things off my chest. You know when the heart gets heavy, you can't help but be reflective to a fault. And thoughts and emotions fill your heart and mind you need to get it out. Well, that's where I am this morning. And at this hour, I can't bear to wake another. So this post is more for me then you. So pass it by if you choose, but if you read on, be warned it maybe hard and heavy...

So there have been a great many people in my life, people to whom I care a great deal for, they’ve been getting engaged and married. I guess that’s the same thing… but you get the idea. And even though I am so happy for each and every one of them, for myself, I cannot help but become a little melancholy, a little sad and reflective on how for a few times in my life there had been the “possibility” for that wholeness. And for whatever reason those chances slipped away.

I can think of 3 people when I think of this. The first was someone I had met years ago when I was a register jockey at the Suncoast Motion Picture Company. We were pushing pre-orders on Akira at the time, and these 2 girls come up to buy some anime. So, whatever, I start into my charming little sales pitch for Akira. We laughed, and they politely declined and left.

But moments later her friend returns and confesses her friend thought I was cute, and asked for my number.

We hung out, spent time together. And it was fun, here was a person that, for some reason, found me interesting (and at the time, seemed like an unusual occurrence with the ladies), and we had like interests (and by interests I mean all the geek things others would probably scoff at).

Why didn’t go any further? Well, the answer to that is a very Seinfeldian moment that I won’t confess here.

Now she’s in Japan, I think she’s found someone in her life, and I couldn’t be happier for her. Definitely someone who deserves that kind of happiness.

The second? Was a girl I had known for some 8 odd years. And our friendship had grown to a borderline intimate level. So much so it became a point where these 2 friends would share a bed. Not to be physical mind you, but simply so the other wouldn’t be alone at night because neither liked the prospect of that. But yea, 2 friends, 1 bed… a little unhealthy, right?

But I knew more and more, that well, I wanted more. And she knew it too I think. She and I clicked so well, it seemed like such a good fit, this person to whom I was closest with in my life. But I had become “that” guy friend. You know the one where comedians joke that is the perfect match, but the girls don’t pay that person any mind.

And when she would tell me about guys she would want to pursue merely for the sake of having sex… more and more it became too much to bear. And there were other things too... but saying goodbye to that relationship was by far one of the hardest decisions of my life.

She’s married now, and I honestly and truly wish her all the happiness in the world.

And the last? Well, the last was my most recent. My life suffered the loss of one friend because I enjoyed her so much. And after 3 years of friendship, we began to explore something more. And for a time, it was amazing. And towards the end, we had some problems, but I was sure she was it, and I would propose.

But it ended. I have thoughts as to why, ideas about faithfulness and truth, ideas about my fault and hers in the relationship. But one thing I know for sure, as it ended, promises were made about loving each other in the hard times to come, and to stay friends. And we both made efforts to that end, but things drifted. More and more I became the only one calling… and the last time I spoke with her on the phone all she asked me was to troubleshoot her computer, she asked how I was after… but it really felt like it was asked out of obligation, and not a genuine curiosity.

I cannot even begin to describe the pain of that. Almost worse then going to work the day after things ended. Only a few people saw the impact that had on me… one of the worst days of my life I would suspect.

Even though the people closest to me confessed they either didn’t like her, or who I was with her… regardless, I miss her greatly. I miss the friend I had in her.

But she’s with someone new. I won’t give my thoughts on the who… but I sincerely hope she’s found the person she’s been looking for, and regret I couldn’t be that person she needed.

So I sit here, being both happy for those starting a new life, and, well being somewhat sad about what has passed. And I can’t help but wonder if I tried a little harder, gave a little more… would the life I have now be different somehow, perhaps more complete. Moments like this is why I try desperately not to think about the “what if”.

But here I sit, almost a quarter to 7, and no I haven’t slept… but here I sit, thinking I should probably go to bed. Go to bed and think deeply on how tomorrow is a new day, and how every passing moment is a new chance to turn it all around.

So good night internet, or good morning. And I'll see you all soon.

Pressure is such an interesting animal...

...and it doesn't help when you second guess yourself either. So here's the thing, at work we have these Employee Recognitions, where when recommended the nominee gets a $100 bones right? So, I had noticed a lot of times the nominations always spoke of moments of dire circumstances, which I only can imagine are few and far. But you know, what about the little moments right? Those little moments of the day helping one another, that always seem to get lost in the shuffle. Whether it's helping a co-worker concept, or helping a friend with a tech problem, just the small moments of the day that don't involve a big client fire.

What about those moments?

So I thought it would be fun to nominate those people, people to whom I would share those little moments that share people helping people in the day to day.

So here's the interesting thing right... I think I have done 3 nominations, and I was only present for the first (had meetings during the last 2). The first got a few laughs... supposedly the 2nd was hilarious, and the third... I don't know if it's true or not, but I am told when it was introduced as "...and we have another employee nomination from Ben Lee..." People started clapping before the thing was read.

That's just bizarre to me.

So where am I going with this? Well the head honcho for the team I'm on always jokes, and asks, "Will you nominate me? Just so I can hear what you would write. You're such a good writer..." But the funny thing is, he really deserves to be recognized. He's just one of those amazingly great people, you know the ones who will always put you ahead of his own needs. Always willing to help, and always stand by you if you need support. He always creates a very comfortable vibe, you never feel like you have to act in a fashion that is not yourself, and that's really cool.

So I decided to pass in a nomination for him.

And let me tell you I have never felt so much pressure in my life!

I mean, I am writing this thing, and I go through draft upon draft... and all I can think about is the stories of how each nomination got a bigger and bigger response... then I think about how this man I want to nominate is pretty incredible, and complements my writing (and I don't consider myself a good writer...). So I sat, and toiled over this thing. Because, never before did I want something to be good.

Yea, so I think I went through like 4 drafts before hitting my stride... it helped that I had quite a few cups of beer by the 5th draft... But it's handed in... I hope it's good, I hope it gives the people some laughs (laughs are kinda needed at work lately too), and I hope the head honcho feels some love...

...but we'll see.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

a brief, cliffnotes version about Koreans, and dreading a little getting older...

Okay, so I'm 29,considered a "young" adult. So if you're younger then me, you would regard me as "heyoung", there maybe another term or two. But we'll go with heyoung. Now adults, for men, if you're younger you would regard the elder as "ah-ga-cee".

Okay, so there's this convenience store across the street from me run by a Korean family. So I go in one day and the daughter is "hello" and shit. But her mom is giving her a hard time, telling her she needs to be proper since I am older...

"UmMa, I say hi all the time..."

"Wait, how old are you?"

"29"

And the daughter was all, "oh, wow, I'm gonna have to call you ah-ga-cee soon..." Citing that 30 is the magic number of, "Hey welcome to the rest of your life, you're old!"

Yea, that was a fascinating thing to encounter, but I told her "hi" is just fine.

.857

.857 is the distance between my kitchen and my desk at work. Yes ladies and gentlemen I walked to work today, and it felt goooooooooooooood.

If I'm reading the trusting pedometer right, that's about a mile. Good little exercise walking 2 miles a day when I don't need a car.

LET'S SEE THE FAMILY CALL ME FAT NOW, BRAWHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!!!

Monday, September 24, 2007

My day.

So you remember that part in RENT where Mark gets that call after Angel's introduction?

Yea, that was my day today.

But hey, "No Day But Today" right?

Sorry... that was a corny way to end a blog.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Memories.

So I'm packing up my desk yesterday, impeding move and all, and what do I come across... a program for my ex-girlfriend's capstone (I don't know if "capstone" is something specific to her course of study, if it is, think semester/thesis project) presentation her senior year.

Now the program itself, insignificant. I mean, it's just a program, and she and I weren't even dating at the time of the capstone... but I tell you, it was all I can do not to think of every happy moment the two of us shared during the course of our relationship. All I could do not to think of everything I loved about her...

All I can do.

Obviously I failed in my attempts. I guess there's a part of me that does miss her. Don't those realizations just suck? Seriously.

It's just so facinating how such an insigificant object, like a program, can carry so much weight.

Anyway, 3 fucking 30 in the morning... I gotta a least an hour or two more of sleep before work. Damn you body for waking me up... damn you.

A Move...

So the team I am on at work is moving. Moving to a branch office. The office is running out of room, and we're a huge ass team. So we're moving to a branch office. I have to say it's hard to get excited about it.

Opinion on the team is 50/50. People who are stoked are excited about the new floor at the branch office that was put together for us. Always having conference rooms available, shit like that. But for me... I don't know, I really feel like I am being removed from the culture that the company I work for is built upon.

Best analogy I can make is... well, think Temple of Doom, and how that first schmuck got all "KA-LE-MAH"'d, that's kinda what I feel like. And of course, packing up my desk yesterday really didn't help things.

But what are you going to do.

More than anything else, above pace of a ad agency, immersed in a melting pot of creativity, more than anything else, I'm gonna miss the people to be sure. It's always a great pleasure to see yoru co-workers in other departments, your friends on other teams... having that interaction is most definitely an underestimated part of ones career I think. And now all of a sudden that's gone. Or will be soon anyway. And that just sucks.

But I will just have to suck it up, because this is happening.

Just kinda wish it wasn't.

So why does my body hate me...

So I guess my body likes to play jokes on me, like wake me up at ungodly hours. Like today, woke me up at 2:30 AM. I don't get it, I just don't get it.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

5K

So I went out for Head for the Cure today... it's a 5K walk/run event. And yes, I walked it. But let me just say, 3 miles... 3 miles is really long, especially if you're out of shape.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

THANK YOU.

I've grabbed some of you to express this in person, but I'll put it here for anyone I missed, or haven't got to yet. Thank you. Thank you guys so much for coming out on Friday. I was so incredibly nervous that night, and it meant the world to see you guys there.

Just, yea, thank you.

Any of you who missed the show, it'll be up until the 9th. So check it out. And if you got some coin lying around, well, maybe buy something. Not just my work, anyones, it's all for a good cause.

Anyway, thanks again guys. But seriously though... after Friday, I totally want to do another show.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Should I...

...sue for likeness rights?